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Angry Astrologer on Taurus
Yes, I'm back. Despite all the complaining and whining about my hard truths about Aries - probaby BY an Aries or two, I'm going to continue on down the warpath. Next stop? Camp Taurus! And I'm not kidding when I say "camp" either. One of the first things you come to know about Earth Signs is that they're very primitive people. Not quite as insectile as say, a Water sign like Pisces, but very simple people. They're correctly symbolized by the cow (or bull, whatever), a big slow lazy beast that eats a bunch. That's Taurus in a nutshell! Oh, who am I kidding. There's not a Taurus man or woman alive we could fit in a nutshell. They love food, especially if you had to pay for it. These people eat as if it were a freakin' sport! They prefer to do it on the couch if you'll let them. Right in front of the TV. You know Homer Simpson? TAURUS! Except, Matt Groening doesn't give us the real scoop. The laziness, farting, body odor and vast appetites are only one side of the Taurus coin, friends. Out of all the zodiac, Taurus may well be the most bossy. Heard of Adolph Hitler? Saddam Hussein? Trent Reznor? The drummer from Nirvana? Cher? Every single one of these people are Tauruses. Notice a pattern of obsessive control? If you date a Taurus you're going to have it bad. They want to sit around on the couch fishing for more Pringles while they tell you how they'd like you to clean the house. If you've got a Taurus for a parent then I truly pity you. Bide your time, the murder won't solve anything. Now, what about sex? Taurus are magnificent lovers and will amaze you - with the exact same performance EVERY SINGLE TIME you go to bed with them. So who are they compatible with? Cancer and Virgo, both signs capable of ignoring pretty much anything and so helpless on their own that they compel Taurus to face their worst fears in life: taking a shower and getting a JOB! As you can see, Tauruses are best left alone to watch re-runs of Cheers or Star Trek. No good can come of interacting with them if you can possibly avoid it. Be safe out there, folks, wear expensive jewelry and you can fend off an amorous Taurus. The moment they see expensive things they realize you're not a cheap date and that's a hurdle they just don't have the energy to climb. If you're worried I'm being mean to poor wittle Tauruses, don't worry.. I'll be back. Taurus ain't the only sign of the zodiac I've got BEEF with!
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Contributor's Note
Wolfgang Nibori is a 29-year-old starving artist and bum entrepreneur from Phoenix, Arizona. He's the founder of the Million Dollar Poetry Project where he's attempting to earn $1 million through selling poetry for $1 per line. His passions include art, music, fiction and animals. This particular article is designed as a text-based comedy skit. I hope you've enjoyed it!
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May, 2012
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