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Angry Astrologer on Aries
Welcome to Why I Hate Aries First things first: I am in NO MOOD to discuss objectivity, folks. I'm the Angry Astrologer and I'm here on a mission. What's my mission? Well, aside from the fact that it's none of your freakin' business I'll tell you because I brought it up and only jerks like Pisces and Scorpios bring things up only to claim they don't want to tell you what they hinted at. I'm starting a series of articles regarding the Zodiac (of astrology, not the serial killer). In case you didn't know, the zodiac is right over your silly heads all the time. It's a way we divide the sky into sections (signs) in order to make sense of this highly confusing planet we all live on. My first target? Aries. If you're born between mid-March and mid-April that makes you an Aries, more or less. Aries is associated with the planet Mars and the animal? Ram. Yeah, a sheep. Do not be fooled, folks, Aries are not gentle lambs unless they've just had a large meal or are otherwise occupied physically (as in sleepy, sick, etc). When they're alert they're a total pain in the hind! They insist on thinking up hare-brained schemes and theories about everything under the sun and then attempt to persuade people to follow them. Why won't this work? Sheep don't lead! That's what shepherds do! A good Aries knows their place out there alongside Taurus the "bull" down in the grassy pasture. Aries insist on constant changes because they are a fire sign and associated with that highly destructive element. They crave innovation, particularly if it involves fighting because Mars is associated with war, violence and red things. Aries *do* look great in red, but unfortunately they're more prone to wear one of two extremes: gaudy pastels or camouflage. It's all extremes with Aries. New this, that and the other cotton pickin' thing all while worshiping ridiculous historical things like Greek statues or medieval castles. The primary, absolute MOST crucial thing to remember about Aries? Simple. These people have tempers that go off like fireworks, generally for no reason whatsoever. It's like a lunar cycle with Aries people, every once in a while they need to release stress and by nature they release it on their friends. Prepare yourself for violence if you're in love with an Aries. Speaking of love, what signs match best with Aries? Hard to say, but some guesses include: Libra (because Aries is too hard-headed to admit they hate Libra for being nicer than they are), Scorpio (because Aries like to suffer and Scorpio enjoys torturing people) or maybe Gemini (because Gemini's never pay attention any how.) As you can see, Aries don't have much to boast about. As far as a zodiac sign, they're survivable but I don't recommend becoming friends with one unless you like violent, angry people who lack direction but refuse to admit it. Until next time, I'm the Angry Astrologer, setting the world straight on the hidden truths behind each sign of the zodiac!
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Contributor's Note
Wolfgang Nibori is a 29-year-old artist and entrepreneur from Phoenix, Arizona. He's the founder of the Million Dollar Poetry Project where he's attempting to earn $1 million through selling poetry for $1 per line. His passions include art, music, fiction and animals. This particular article is designed as a text-based comedy skit. I hope you've enjoyed it!
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May, 2012
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